I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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