worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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