Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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