Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
