I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
