remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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