Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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