Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize