i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize