There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
