so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
