Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
