I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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