who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
