you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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