tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
