i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If that was your dad, he is hot
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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