I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
