Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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