listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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