Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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