She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
