Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize