Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize