A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
