Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
