3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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