if you like me you must not know who I am
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
