no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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