he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
my poor anus
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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