you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Couch. On fire.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
