the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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