just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
