its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
