I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
