I wish I could teleport
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
