He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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