My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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