You made me cry and you don't even care
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
