The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
