It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize