life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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