I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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