Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
