These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
