Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
