just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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