It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
