i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
