He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize