i think my mom watched the whole time
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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