Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize