I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Randomize