Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Couch. On fire.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
