The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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