Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
