i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
