I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
