The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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