Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
