I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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